Climbing a steep hill

A few days ago, I went out to feed the horses. Inexplicably, one of the feed tubs was missing. We don't have a big paddock. Altogether it might be 3 acres. Most of it is wooded. So I knew it couldn't be too far away. I looked around for a bit, with all of the horses following me. They were just talking away to me, nickering and neighing, fussin' at me to hurry and feed them. Finally I spotted the feed bin. Some how it rolled to the very bottom of the steepest hill on our property.
Walking down the hill was easy. I have to be a little careful walking down hills because of severely blown out knees. Gymnastics seems fun when you are young ... actually it was pretty fun. But add some years, a few other injuries, and the onset of arthritis and well you start to wonder why you thought it necessary to swing around on uneven bars or flip yourself a 1000 ways across a springboard.
So back to the hill. There I was, at the bottom of the hill surrounded by hungry chatting horses. I picked up the feed tub and starting walking up the hill. The grade is longer at first, a slow slope. Not too bad. I was dodging poo piles and swatting flies. Then I got to the steep part. The horses where in my way, they wouldn't move readily. Usually they are well behaved critters but in anticipation of their breakfast, the manners ranked somewhere down there with the poo.
I got winded quickly and I slowed down. Patch, our biggest horse not so politely bumped me in the tookus with his large head. I didn't fall, but I was pitched froward and had to put my hands down to keep from falling. I dropped the feed bin and Murphy being all spiteful and sarcastic like he can be: of course it rolled back down the hill. Thankfully my little mare Terra stopped it with her nose. So I only had to walk back down the the bottom of the steep part of the hill.
I'll be honest here, I am about 40 pounds too heavy. I don't really gain weight easily. I seem to stay stuck at the same weight unless I make a radical change. Radical change, tends to kick your butt. I don't like my butt kicked.
But it was here at the almost bottom of the hill that I knew that I was ridiculously out of shape. So I started climbing up the hill, feed tub in tow. Hungry horses right behind me to make sure I didn't defect on their breakfast. I brought all four tubs up to the porch. Here's something funny for you non horse people. I spend more time "making" the horse's breakfast that I do my own. First I put in the grain. Then I add wet beet pulp and that's top dressed with a supplement. Sometimes we add Canola oil too. It takes 10 minutes or so to dip everything out. Then I put the tubs in the wheelbarrow and take them out to the fence line. The horses line up to eat according to their "pecking" order. Patchouli, Tabee, Junior and then Terra.
I got all the food set out. Then I realized that I was exhausted!
Then I was angry! I usually get angry when I can't do something well. It's a personality defect ... I am workin' on it, ok!
But yes, I was one of those kids that quit in the middle of Monopoly if I wasn't doing well. The difference is, usually, if I don't do something well. I learn to do it better.
Thing is, I know ALL about HOW to loose weight. I know ALL about WHAT to eat and WHAT NOT to eat. But I haven't gotten any better at it.
Then I sort of digressed a little and realized that life in general is like that hill. Sometimes you go down easy, sometimes you fall down fast and hard. Sometimes you are fit enough to run back up that hill and not miss a breath. Sometimes it's a struggle. Sometimes stuff is in your way and sometimes stuff knocks you down. But see, I had no choice but to walk back up that hill. Even if I went around, there was still a hill. That's life, you just gotta tough it out. In my industry we say "cowgirl up".
A long time ago I learned that we learn two ways: repetition or emotion. I also learned that sometimes a person is just not ready for the thing they are trying to do. There head isn't in the right place.
I once interviewed a famous horseman - I asked him if it bothered him when his students studied with him for years and years and then just quit. He told me that it used to bother him but he was finally able to realize that those people just weren't ready to completely learn the art of horsemanship. He told me that he wished he could play the guitar better and that he'd taken lessons from famous musicians. He told me that he "played at" his guitar several times a week. But he admitted, maybe even for the first time to both me and himself that he really wasn't ready to commit to being a better guitar player.
I guess, for whatever reason, I've not been ready to shed this weight for good. It's deeper than that thou. I know this is true for a lot of moms out there. I haven't been ready to focus on myself and my own needs. Not ready and not equipped. That's a gear change, don't you think? But I am doing it, in baby steps. I am teaching myself to remember ME. But it's a hill. It's a long steep hill.
If you are at the bottom of a hill ... you ain't got a choice. You just gotta climb it. Just look at the top of the hill (the goal) and climb. The obstacles will slow you down, sometimes they might stop you. Sometimes you might need the rest, so that's okay. But remember that you are climbing. I think the top is a fantasy but I think, if you work on it. You get better at the climb. I think maybe one day you'll just be walking over small hills and jumping ditches and puddles. I think - when you are ready, the climb is a welcome addition to your day.

Keep climbing,
Tess